Family,
Okay, so I want this email to be a lot more real than the other emails I have sent. The truth about how things are going right now is actually not so great. For the last 2 months everything has felt more like a routine. Basically, ever since I left Cuenca. I feel like my mission should have only been a year long. I really have lost my focus. I feel like I am back in school. I just procrastinate and wait until the grades close so I can be relieved from the stress instead of doing something to better my grades. I feel the same way right now. I haven´t Baptized anyone in 7 weeks now and I don´t really feel much of the desire to baptize anyone. Ever since I got dropped from zone leader, I have lost my love for missionary work. My last week as zone leader, I really felt like I had become a great disciple of Christ. I felt the spirit; I had the desire to work. So, I don’t know how I feel. I got the Dear John letter, by the way, but I already knew things were headed in that direction and that’s not the biggest problem. The bigger problem is that I feel like crap for not being a zone leader. It scares me to know that I am going to come home in 9 months and not have become the person I was supposed to become.
For now, I could really use some advice on how I can get out of this slump.
If you can respond sometime today, that would be nice. I will check back later. I could really use some help today.
Family,
I have been praying throughout the day for the strength I need. More than strength, I feel like I need to clear my head. The three Elders I live with helped me with that as we burned some Dear John items. That just led to us all running to the vacant upstairs apartment because smoke filled our whole house. But I do feel a little better. Not because of the burning ritual, which was a funny distraction, but because of the emails from you and Dad. I was writing in my journal and realized that I do not want to leave. Even though I have felt like total crap something in my heart tells me that I’m in the right place. By the way, I think this is the first time I have ever said this but you guys were right. I should have finished that relationship well before I left, and girls should do boys a favor and finish it too. It would have made things much easier. As for no longer being a zone leader, I do see the good in it. I do see this as an opportunity to humble myself and overcome challenges. As I learn to overcome challenges here, I will be more prepared to face them later on. I will be fasting as well. I will go home right now and start reading the scriptures. I felt that prompting to read my scriptures. You verified it. Okay well we will see how this week goes. I will pray for you guys as well. But tell Dantrell that he is my girlfriend until he finds me a better replacement.
I have always said to people here in the mission, ‘you choose to feel the way you do!’ I know that that is true. I guess it is about time I start following my own advice. I have the power to act and respond to things however I want. Pray that I will be able to fall in love with the work again.
Love,
Elder McRae
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