Family,
I have actually been feeling this way for a little bit but I haven´t really understood why or what I am supposed to learn from it. So, my whole life I have been blessed. I have always been somewhat of a smart person. I am naturally good at Football, Soccer, and Tennis. I have been blessed with leadership skills. Some think I’m good looking. I´ve never had to work a day in my life. I can speak well in front of a lot of people. I have never doubted my testimony. I have been blessed with the ability to bare a strong testimony. And my life has pretty much been as good as it could get. All of these things have obviously built up a lot of pride. A LOT of pride. They also have set really high standards for me. I feel like I should do a lot of great things in life and lots of other people think I should be able to do great things. I have always just assumed I would be a great missionary. And I know other people thought I was going to be a great missionary. So here I am… six months into my mission. I have had 5 baptisms. I still can´t speak the language. I am still junior companion. And quite frankly, I can say I haven´t made a difference in anyone´s life here yet. This is the reality. I have been completely humbled; humbled in a way unlike any other before in my life. I am not anyone special here. I am not an exceptional missionary, not a good missionary, and probably not even an average missionary. I can´t talk with the people because 1. I don’t know what they are saying or how to reply, and 2. I just don´t have that 1 on 1 communication skill. I am not a help whatsoever to my companion in contacting. Yea, I can stand up and give a good memorized talk, but that doesn´t convert anyone. I have realized that just maybe for once, I can´t be what I thought I could be. Heavenly Father gives men weakness so that they will be humble. Like I said, I have been humbled beyond humility. So I want to say sorry to anyone that I have let down. I am sorry I am not the missionary that maybe you thought I could be. It isn´t that I am not trying, or being obedient, or working hard. It is just that I don´t have the ability to be that crazy successful missionary here. I am not giving up. I am not going to work less. I promise I will return the absolute best missionary I can be. But what I am saying is the best missionary I can be may just be a below average missionary. So tell everyone that expected more out of me I am sorry for letting them down.
I am still thankful to be here. It is the best choice of my life. I have learned so much more than any other time in my life. There may not have been another place I could be humbled, so I am thankful for that also. This is how I have been feeling the last couple months. The thing that always gives me a little more peace though is reading the scriptures. I gain a little more confidence when I read the scriptures. I have grown to depend on them, which also may be what the Lord has wanted me to learn from all of this.
I still haven´t got a package. They might get mail for us Wednesday so I will let you know if I get it by next P day. It has been raining every day these past 3 weeks. I have used all my rain gear. And yes we walk in streets full of water up to our knees. We get home soaking wet and sometimes we can take a shower and sometime the water is turned off and we can´t. All the fun things that come with being in a third world country.
Love,
Elder McRae
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